Questions people should consider besides, “Kapan nikah?” (When are you getting married?)

Because who ever really knows that answer to that?

Dea, Bogor, July 16th.

One of the most confusing things in life, I find, is how parents don’t acknowledge their children’s capacity for romantic or sexual attraction for the entirety of the child’s young adult life until one day they wake up and decide they’re finally bored enough to want at least three grandchildren. I don’t mean this in a hostile way; I actually find it quite hilarious that the expectation is for our lives to follow a linear path, hence why the conversation is usually only brought up (abruptly, at that) when we, the children, reach a certain age.

You’re at the right age, on the right job, in the right city, and the only logical next move is to meet the right partner and build the right family. 

Picture credits: JinnyboyTV on Youtube

I turn 25 next month, which is funny because younger me used to think I would’ve gotten married (and promoted to Manager) by this age. It’s also funny because it’s not like it’s a life-threw-a-curveball-at-me situation—I never felt I was ready for a marriage even if I wanted it.

Like you, I grew up being warned about boys and relationships in general. I have learned that this is most Asian parents’ take on sex education: WE’LL TALK ABOUT IT… WHEN YOU’RE MARRIED, or, MEN ARE BAD. I’m old enough to know now that my parents were a) right about men being bad, and that b) they were simply fearful of things going wrong, which they could totally have. I guess this calls for a critical observation of Things That Shouldn’t Be So Taboo To Talk About With Your Children, but that alone already reads like an entirely separate headline that is besides the point I’m trying to get to, which is:

It’s unfortunate that to many people (in particular, ehem, distant relatives), the natural conversation starter is the when’s and the who’s rather than the myriad other questions concerning our individual readiness. For instance:  

• Are you sure you can tell the difference between loving them as their own person and loving the idea of loving them? 

• On your own—do you feel whole?

• Emotional investment is expensive and time-consuming. Amongst the other things going on in your life, is it a good time to make it a priority? 

• Do you even have the money to be in love right now?

• Is it mutual or are you being selfish? (There’s no wrong answer) 

Love isn’t all that genuine, when you think about it. There’s a level of interest that needs to be curated and in some cases you might lose the chance forever if you don’t intentionally plan for it. Sure, we like to think of cute accidental happenstances, but people who ended up getting together must’ve made some kind of effort to hold the fort down, keep the other interested. Personally, this is what I wish my parents (or nagging relatives) warned me about instead: that the effort matters just as much as the time and place, that interest wanes overtime, that you should be the most interesting person you know before you share that with someone else. 

So, as opposed to, “When are you planning to get married?” (or “Kapan nikah?” in Indonesian, which honestly sounds way more antagonistic translated) as if it’s something entirely within my control, I just think it’d be nicer to hear: Do you think your heart has grown big enough to hold a space for two? 

Perhaps then we wouldn’t dread the conversation as much.